Trigger warning: descriptions of sexual assault and general asshol-ery from perpetrators
I just wanted to share quotes from the three people who sexually assaulted me (well, actually there are three more but let’s focus on the ones who I dated…). Anyway, I just want to show that even the wrong guys can say the right things (such as N). He frequently made statements about respecting me and my boundaries… but he sexually assaulted me more times than I can remember. The fact that he apologized afterward and always said that he respected my boundaries made it harder for me to realize that he was mistreating me and coercing me. I also wanted to show that even seemingly “normal” people with good intentions can still sexually assault people (such as P and Z) if they are being careless or don’t feel comfortable asking for consent. My full story can be found here if you’re interested.
Part I: N
“Sorry if you feel I may have rushed that 😦 “
-Two days after we started dating, regarding him moving a little too fast on our first date
“And by the way if you ever feel I go too far just tell me 🙂 ”
“Ok 🙂 that is a promise I will very much keep 🙂 ” (He promised not to cross any of my boundaries again… what bullshit.
“It is good to know my boundaries 🙂 ”
“If you are uncomfortable then I can stop 🙂 ”
-Four days after we started dating, first time he sexually assaulted me by touching me without my consent… which actually wasn’t super traumatizing. I told him he couldn’t do something. He does said thing… and then I ended up liking it. Still sexual assault, just not as scary as it could’ve been.
“Are you sure? We don’t have to.”
“You don’t have to do it just because I want to you know XD”
-Five days after we started dating… and after he spent at least an hour trying to coerce me into something I clearly was not comfortable with. He said this after I reluctantly said yes.
“I know, I feel terrible, so I will never do that again, I like you too much to mess this up again 🙂 ”
“If I ever do anything that makes you uncomfortable, I need you to tell me, ok? 🙂 ”
“I hope you can forgive me for what happened earlier ”
Me: “Done. It was half my fault anyway for staying quiet”
-About a week after we started dating, after he sexually assaulted me by touching me between the legs without my consent. This time it was definitely a big deal… And I’m just going to add that it wasn’t my fault for staying quiet. I pulled his hand away more than once and he should’ve asked for consent first. Asshole.
“If you aren’t as comfortable that is ok 🙂 ”
“I hope I am not making you uncomfortable 🙂 ”
-About two weeks after we started dating. Ironic he should say this after he successfully coerced me into something else I didn’t want to do…
“I don’t want to rush you into anything like that.”
“Out of curiosity, what are you actually comfortable with?”
-About two weeks after we started dating… and right after he tried to coerce me yet again.
“If you don’t want to that is fine too 🙂 ”
– About two weeks after we started dating… and then he continued to try to coerce me.
“Ok sorry 😦 I won’t do it again, I promise 😦 ”
– Two weeks after we started dating, a few hours after he almost touched my breasts, which I wasn’t comfortable with
“Sorry if I was rubbing your boobs too much 😦 ” (Um… literally three days before this he made that promise not to touch them. Wtf?)
“I will be careful, sorry if it made you uncomfortable ”
Me: “Like I said, no big deal as long as you don’t do it again”
– Three weeks after we started dating, a few hours after he sexually assaulted me
“It also turned me on a bit to be touching your boobs, but I understand you don’t want that 😦 ”
– Three days after he sexually assaults me he tells me that it turned him on? Wtf?
“I really don’t want to mess this up, so we will definitely go at your pace 🙂 ”
Me: “Ok sounds good 🙂 but my pace is gonna be super slow, like it or not 😉 ”
“Well slow poke, I guess I will have to deal 😉 ”
Me: “Yep 😛 cuz even someone as amazing and hot as you can’t make me change my mind ;)”
– Three weeks after we started dating
“I solemnly promise I will never ever ever ever ever ever do anything even remotely like that ever ever again, ok? You are way too important to me to let myself fuck this up 🙂 ”
“It never will [happen again], I’m sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry 😦 ”
“[I’m] Feeling shitty as hell for doing that dumbass thing, and because I hate you being mad or sad 😦 I really want a time machine 😦 ”
“I am a huge asshole 😦 I am sorry 😦 I just hate myself right now 😦 ”
– A month after we started dating, after he sexually assaulted me by touching my breasts without my consent. He never assaulted me again (and we dated for another two months) but I don’t fully believe his apology. I think he was just sorry that he didn’t get away with it
“Ok, and I have promised I won’t do that [touch your breasts] until you are ready 🙂 “
“I know [that you won’t be ready for a long time] 🙂 but I realized that it really isn’t that important, I mean obviously I want to, but I am more than content to wait for you 🙂 ”
-Two months after we started dating
“This isn’t my fault.”
– Three months after we started dating, said to me the night I broke up with him.
Part II: P
“Respecting you is my #1 priority.”
“I love you.”
– He said both of these things many times during the relationship. And he meant them both.
“If ur ever uncomfortable when we’re hanging out just tell me.”
“I’d rather u told me right away.”
“Ok. Just know u can say something. I don’t want this 2 get ruined because I do something stupid.”
“I don’t want u 2 have 2 worry.”
– Two months after we started dating, one of our first conversation about boundaries
Both of us were pretty uncomfortable talking about boundaries, but I made it clear early on that my chest was off limits until I make it clear that it’s okay. He didn’t know how to know when it was okay and didn’t feel comfortable asking… so one night (about four months after we started dating) he just went for it. Needless to say that didn’t go well given my past experiences…
“If you don’t want to talk then I’ll wait for you… I can’t stand that memory of your eyes staring at me in hurt and disbelief. I know you can’t forget but if you can forgive me please let me know when you’re ready. I’d do anything to regain your trust. You are more important to me. I’ve said what I want to say. If you need space I’ll respect that.”
“If you want space to think I’ll give it to you.”
“I didn’t tear up cause I thought I was losing you as much as I knew I lost a lot of that respect you had for me. Cause I knew something fundamental would change.”
“I hope you don’t think I’m trying to say all this stuff to try to manipulate you. I mean what I say. You should know by now that when it comes to important stuff I’m a terrible liar.”
“I try my hardest to respect you. I’m not perfect but I try. If there’s anything I can do to make it up to you just say it.”
“Another part of the reason I did it is cause I didn’t know how to ask for permission.”
We talked it through the next day and stayed together. From then on, we both worked really hard to figure out how to practice good consent. For example:
“I was thinking about our conversation last night and I think we should be clear about where we should draw the line regardless of time or situation. Basically what we’re not comfortable with no matter what.”
– Five months into the relationship
“I’d rather wait and not do something you’re comfortable with rather than doing something u still have reservations. I do want 2 not rush things. I just think u want 2 go even slower and if that’s what u need I’ll respect that.”
-Five months into the relationship
He actually got a little paranoid about hurting me again and tried very hard to avoid it at all costs. I also was trying to troubleshoot communication about consent and wasn’t always perfect. I tried to be clear about my boundaries, but apparently he only had a vague idea of what they were. Thankfully he never made the mistake of guessing again. He also had a hard time getting more comfortable talking about boundaries and anything sexual. (Catholic upbringing. Can I get an amen?)
“I try to respect what u want but I can’t respect it [your boundaries] unless I know it.”
“I never want to scare you or try to push too far.”
“It’s not your fault. Honestly it’s probably because I’ve never been very open about this stuff at all. I still feel awkward tho if I did ask you to do something.”
“I just don’t want to hurt you.”
– Seven months into the relationship
“When the time comes for you to decide I know what I’ll probably want you to pick but I’ll respect your decision because if I forced it it wouldn’t be the same and I probably couldn’t look either you or myself in the eye again.”
– Eight months into the relationship, I was on the fence about whether or not I wanted to do a certain sexual activity
“I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to.”
– Nine months into the relationship
When he broke up with me nine months into the relationship, he said the main thing he learned from me was how to respect women. *Self-five*
Part III: Z
“I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable in any way tonight. Don’t hesitate to let me know. I only want what’s best for both of us.”
“I don’t know what came over me. I was tired and I wasn’t thinking and I accept full responsibility. I know I am not perfect and I never meant to do anything to make you uncomfortable. If you can forgive me, please allow me to make it up to you.”
“Take your time and if you need a break from seeing me… You can count on me to be honest.”
“Know that I am trying my best to make things right. And I apologize for being an insensitive ass.”
– A few hours after he sexually assaulted me at the end of our first date
“I just wish I could erase that day forever, I still have some remorse over that. It was just so out of character for me that it’s hard to come to terms with. I guess what I’m really worried about is can we make things work as a couple given what happened. It’s almost like it’s put up a barrier between us that’s really hard to climb over.”
“I just have to come to forgive myself somehow.”
– Three days after he sexually assaulted me. I broke up with him a few days later
Thank you for reading this article. You can find my backstory here.