I’d never been good at talking about anything related to sexytimes. Back in high school, I got my point across without using words like “penis,” “naked,” etc. This lasted up until my current relationship. Thankfully, now I’m like this:
Well… almost. I also used to be almost entirely in charge of the physical side of my past relationships. Much of the reason is that my past significant others have always been ready for stuff before me. But after N (who sexually assaulted me. Story here), I ruled my body with an iron fist. I made it clear with the next few boyfriends that crossing lines would not be tolerated and that my word is law. While it’s great that I was taking charge of my body, it definitely scared people a little bit. I think part of me knew that I was being intimidating and scared them on purpose so they would be cautious. I had trust issues for a little while in there and was scared that guys would sexually assault me again. My way of protecting myself was being in control of that aspect of the relationship. I definitely don’t recommend this, but at the same time, I don’t regret it. It’s what I needed at the time.
The good news is that I’m now pretty good at this consent thing…. and so is my boyfriend! He often is ready for things before me, but we’re still on an equal footing. We talk about our boundaries openly and are in the habit of asking before doing anything sexual. (Kissing is a big exception. It’s safe to assume that we’re down to do that at any time unless we’re in public). Consent is very ingrained in our dynamic now. It just feels natural to verbally check in to see what the other person is in the mood for.
But this didn’t happen overnight. When we started dating, I was still uncomfortable saying certain words. It’s something I eased into slowly. A is so open and laid back about everything that it made talking about boundaries much easier.
I’m not sure how to end this post so… Shout out to A! You’re the bomb. 🙂
Thank you for reading this article. You can find my backstory here.